Money and Happiness

They say, "Money can't buy happiness," but they are wrong. Money does buy happiness. But that kind of happiness doesn't last and can't satisfy. Look elsewhere.

Jailhouse Journey

Fresh from her stint behind bars, hotel heiress Paris Hilton says she is a changed woman. Hilton says she plans to party less and give to charity more. If this change of heart goes beyond a short-lived jailhouse conversion, that would really be something to celebrate.

A Definition of a Fool

One who says, "I don't know and I don't care."

Originality

Don't strive to be original. Strive to be right.

Leadership

Leadership is the art of getting people to do work for you and then, when they are done, ask you for more.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not a right. It's a responsibility.

Kid Wisdom

"I don't need any more character. I have enough already."

Tooth Fairies

Do tooth fairies have day jobs?

Deer Crossings

Have you ever seen a deer use a deer crossing?

Rules for Living

No. 516: If you must go into battle with a butter knife, be sure to wipe the butter off first.

Up the River

The prosecutor who attempted to send the Duke lacrosse players up the river resiged this week, and yesterday he was disbarred for "fraud, dishonesty, and deceit." Losing his job and his license to practice law hardly seem to be sufficient consequences. The fairest response would be to imprison him for as long as the Duke students would have been upon conviction, and in the same facility.

Rules for Living

No. 498: Never ride a horse named Diablo.

Bad Writers

Most bad writers love what they have written.

Rules for Living

No. 45: Men only like flowers that are in the ground.

Feeling Better

I'd feel better about myself if I weren't the one laughing hardest at my jokes.

Instructions for a Triglyceride-Reduction Diet

1. Eat all the cardboard you want.
2. Don't eat or drink anything that tastes good.
3. Make sure your insurance is paid up.
4. Prepare to die.

Contact Sport

Raising kids is a contact sport. And no one is going to give you any pads.

Kid Wisdom

"Every day should have breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And dessert. And a snack."